Dr. Karen

by Karen E Engebretsen-Larash, Psy.D.

So often we hear people say, “it was a mistake to …..” when anticipated plans end up derailed. But let us examine this idea via the following example. Let’s say that you are experiencing a conflict with your boss at work. In thinking about how to address the issue, you come up with three possible solutions: 1) quit; 2) do nothing and hope the issue will fade away by itself; or 3) confront your boss with the situation and hope that he/she will be open to your proposed alternative.

For all intents and purposes, the latter choice seemed like the most mature approach, so the decision was made to take a risk, confront the boss, and schedule an appointment. You enter the office knowing that this person is not the most understanding of creatures, so you may be more guarded than in other situations. After pouring your heart out, a resounding “request denied” reverberates through the air without having had the opportunity to plead your case. The impulse is to feel rejected, humiliated, misunderstood, and wonder if it a mistake to speak up or not?

When the boss was approached, there was already a built in fear of rejection due to a preconceived notion about (and expectation of) how this individual was going to react. In fact, the defensive posture and nagging apprehension may have generated a self fulfilling prophecy –”he/she doesn’t like me so what I have to say doesn’t really matter anyway” — which is an attitude that is bound to cause a breakdown in communication and inhibit the problem-solving process. (This association of thought patterns is generally a sure-fire way to guarantee defeat!) Now, it is not possible to predict exactly how a person is going to respond in any given situation, but if it is known, for example, that the boss does not function before 11:00am, scheduling an appointment before that time is doomed to yield disappointment. Understanding who you are dealing with (at least what has been apparent in the recent past) will aide in determining the most effective strategy.

The question about whether the above-mentioned approach was a mistake has yet to be answered though. Implied in the word “mistake” is that the outcome is somehow “wrong” if the wish is not gratified. There may have been circumstances unknown to the employee which may have created a disaster if the request had been granted. So the question remains, was it wrong to speak up, or did the experience provide an unexpected opportunity for growth. Since it is not possible to control our environment or others, the only thing we can master is our RESPONSE to a situation. Assuming that one is wrong reinforces the notion that attempting to get needs met (and/or confronting authority figures) will always end in disappointment. This thought process creates a template of helplessness and renders the individual a mere “victim” of circumstance.

Experiencing life from this vantage point (whether consciously or unconsciously), one can be left with feeling like there are no options. Thus, if this same person in the above-mentioned scenario opted to “do nothing” he/she would have been operating with the belief that trying to evoke change would be impossible. On the other hand, “doing nothing” could be seen as a prudent/cautious “wait and see approach.” Sometimes, when conflict is addressed in an emotionally charged atmosphere, little can be accomplished. Here again, what could be viewed as a “mistake” may in fact offer an effective alternative in solving a problem.

Last but not least, the decision to “quit” (escape) could suggest an inability to resolve differences and/or an unwillingness to negotiate. In fact, the anxiety or dysphoric mood resulting from the conflict may have given the employee the courage to leave an unfullfilling job (an option not previously considered because everything seemed to be status quo and the thought of starting over was not a thrilling prospect). After having perceived oneself to be psychologically and emotionally abused, the decision to quit would demonstrate great courage, strength and a healthy self respect.

In sum, there are generally several alternative solutions to any given problem. At face value, what may seem like a “bad” decision (mistake) at the time, could prove to be a blessing in disguise. Next time you find yourself in a quandary about what choice(s) to make, remember that no matter what the decision, there is always room for growth if you give yourself the freedom to interpret the consequence (action) from different (creative) angles.

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Copyright © 1998,1999 Karen E Engebretsen-Larash, Psy.D, PA. All rights reserved